Behind all the jokes and smiles lies a lot of pain and hurt. I am surprised I haven’t broken down completely again. I don’t know what God is preparing me for or is trying to teach me but, enough is enough. I can’t take dealing with all this. I watch on a daily basis the people I care about the most deteriorate. I watch as a man I wanted to be like all my life succumb to drugs. Its seems my family is falling apart, if I get one more so and so is in the hospital phone call I might lose it. I still have nightmares of watching a person I once considered a brother, kill himself. I still have nightmares of a child I never knew existed calling out to me asking me why. I wonder on a daily basis if my sister is going to end up like my mother. My sobriety has become more of a daily fight, most days I just want to feel nothing, to make it thru. Its hard to stay positive when every time I find a small happiness something comes along to knock me down again…just keep smiling…..
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